wishing on numbers.

11.11.11

so many wishes, only 24 hours to make them all

every second, wishing for the world to be a better place

wishing for my happiness and theirs

i wish i would be kissed in a way that lights my soul on fire

i wish you would kiss me

i wish i could make you smile

 

today is open

anything is possible

anything

 

if you just wish hard enough.

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11:25 am

sidetracked on the

side (of the)

tracks,

she wasnt one to take advantage of anything or anyone, even during times of

need &

she needs you;

it takes a map with miles to keep him

satisfied.

she recently fought 240 days to be at his side as she was for

6029.

she cant get across her desire for more,

(materialistic NOT key here);

acknowledged yet dismissed, listened to but scolded,

& her cries that echoed only caused listeners to

play nervously on their phones so they wont hear,

shove those earbuds in deep

(until their nerves begin to bleed);

they couldnt be bothered.

she turned away, unsurprised. (hide your fears, they’ll ignore them too.)

please dont let me miss out on anything, she said (in passing)

and has repeated it often.

you aren’t, you wont, she was promised.

BUT if you try to discover anything new,

your dream house will include padded walls

and locks (with no keys).

discouraged, to say the least.

the very least, matter of fact.

the freedom i seek is to be out from under the

darkness and the shadows that swallow me whole.

being that i am invisible, im sure my voice resonates

only within my tortured mind.

its not what youve done (i dont care what youve done)

*or didn’t do.

i know ive been honest in every aspect in every attempt to get across

i am under fire

for reasons of a hot buttoned, hot tempered finger and i will

perish.

marshmallows shoved & ready on their

sharp

ass

spears

so i

smile nervously, weave through the aisles;

weave through the miles.

going nowhere,

always ending up in the place i do

not

belong.

it is my house, it is not home.

i can feel the vultures circling today

i sense them near

but i have no shield to protect myself, i have no direction (given freshly) to ensure

i

dont

fuck

up.

but we all learn from our mistakes.

i hope your mistake

doesn’t cost me.

i hope your deaf ears

haven’t truly lost me.

hours separate the mason-dixon

but being on the same page

is a few encyclopedias away.

i am stuck inside the Z

seeking point A

you, point B,

wave me past

down to F;

how unassuming this is where

the Fool

belongs.

ive held & expressed the strongest of ideals and have only wanted you to

get

them

clear.

i begged him not to wait until its too late;

im afraid its too late.

there hasnt been clarification beyond the

mysterious end

and how i dont think he ended

the way she said it

really went

but i wasn’t there,

its just a feeling i get.

everything lately has been

just a feeling i

get.

but fuck-

at least

i get

it.

 

Your Sash is on Backwards, Girl.

have you ever believed in fairy tales so much that
real life
seemed dull in comparison?
have you ever wished for another life
another day
another heart that beats
the very same bass you
rock?
i dont march to a different drummer because i
would rather be the drummer than
the listener
though most times i
dont
mind.
i have made mistakes
i’ll be among the first to admit i haven’t been proud
of things i regret
things i’d reset
things i would not do over again if paid but i
digress
there isn’t anything you can do to make me love you
less
im sure you have a list prepared for me.
i can not say
how can i make it up
i cant make it up
because it’s something so far that i just cant touch
it
(you can’t touch this)
never touched that
never took the time to put doubt in the questions i asked
always the opposite of what id hoped
nothing one can do when someone closes the door you worked so hard to
open
find another key
find another way
find another life to bring you out of disarray
blame yourself another 30 years
but it wont get you any farther
it wont get you where you can swim rather than
tiredly tread water
and no one looks good in a wet
glamorous gown
i keep getting told its not time and i was wrong and its not mine
but i ignore them
grab my thorny crown and wear it with
pride
wear it as they stare and laugh
you dont know what ive been through
i think
you dont know what i’ve endured
i sigh
ive been there but wont go back
its not worth it
its not worth reaching the sky and having no tact
its not worth
much
not even a refund at the dollar store
but i know i want more
i deserve more and not because im entitled
(i have no title)
its for all the reasons i hold locked in my core
and i would let it all go
but the fear is
who would i be
without what i was?

Harry Houdini

shy?

yes, maybe.

in denial?

yes, more than likely.

with no way to reach him

with no way to kiss him every time i think i fucked time up

i take another beating and i

get

wet

when i hear the train whistle and i cant contain it

i wish you would explain it

i wish

i

could understand it all.

you came across me at a strange time in my life

and i know its you

who

has come

along

a

long

so dont make judgements if you haven’t seen the insides of my pages

if you haven’t opened me up

if you havent memorized every curve of my flesh

so do it

i run the rate of sounding desperate but i cant explain this

glow

this

aura of

whatever this

is

but its almost too much to bear

i crave your warm soft skin against everything that’s in me

i can’t lie

it keeps me up at night

overimaging

over

imagining

so if you want this

come and take this

i only want you

believe me you

will want me

you

will want me.

you

not that you but

the

you-

i want to know you

bite after bite i want to control you

if you’re good you can

control me

too.

crumbling towards ecstacy

The Portrait of Dorian Grey

believing is not seeing

yesterday i ate for the first time in

a day and a half

sleep came amongst tears &

thoughts strewn about the floor i used to keep so clean.

when i get this way

(but this is me)

i begin to lose faith i begin to lose sight

(but that could be attributed to the grey spots that form inside my eyes)

but i still cling

cling like static that hasn’t found its escape into the world,

cling to ideals i hope aren’t false

because if i did not hold on to those wishes

if i did not give my everything to the love i hold for those i hold

dear

i would have more than the nothing that i have and i feel.

the rain is almost comforting

it recognizes me

and it knows me.

i think others

think

they know me but they dont- they dont because they never took the

time to ask me

they never really got to the core to see i

have only good intentions

ive only ever had good intentions

pure intentions

too intense

for them.

my desire to be true and good is

trumped

by monsters who scheme to paint me in a different light.

if they painted a true portrait

i would be hung beside the

Mona Lisa

hung right beside

the portrait of dorian grey

a complex clusterfuck that only i can see

spotlights on my insides

they photoshop other organs to blind my innocence.

ive made mistakes but nothing mortal sin

ive made mistakes from which i have tried to repent but praying only goes so far

as the echoes of the walls that absorb my screams

absorb them

so no one can hear them

because if others could hear them they might could feel my pain.

there is nothing i want more to feel the sun on my face in a world where i am

safe

(safe)

its kind of a paradox, a singular oxymoron only i can

understand.

i dont even “get” it

because i can’t seem to

get

it.

i am:

gentle

sympathetic empathetic

almost to the point it makes me look

ridiculous to the asthetic

but fuck it i dont care what anyone else thinks about me

i only want those i love to know me

to know i am the real me

and to know i have done everything to show them i am

real

when i speak.

honesty is something i dont see in others now,

they dont see it in me and try to shut me up

because honesty is what i breathe.

if others did things

things against me which now are seen it isn’t

fair

that i have to suffer

when i didn’t ask for their needs- i didn’t cover their needs

they stole from mine

they took advantage of a girl who has

lost her

mind

and i am not crazy i tell them

i am not insane

i am surrounded by bloodthirsty demons who want to save

their own

name

and carrying this weight is too much for my shoulders

too much because i did not gather these boulders but i

have no choice but to keep pushing uphill

if i dont

if i stop

then i stop being real.

SOS PS i love you

a buck one-oh-two

i barely have balance to strap on this backpack i keep sewn to my

side

my side

i wish to god they knew how it felt to be on

my side.

they’re killing me, i cry

they’re killing me while you just stand by

shaking your head, tired of this

you say.

i

am also tired

of this.

mind is confused

memory is beaten, damaged, abused and

my brain isnt functioning like it used to.

and it used to

blow their minds.

now i wonder if ive blown mine.

when will they save me?

when will they get it?

forty-8 hours ago i lay collapsed

face down in the leaves of a yard i should feel safe inside

puking the poison

i know ive been poisoned

pun not intended,

not this time.

are you going to wait until its too late

i cant hold on much longer

any day now i shall succumb to hate or fate,

after all, it is getting close to winter

id made a secret promise to myself,

i wont see the winter if i have to see it here.

institutionalization is not what i need

but they cant see

that i cant breathe

they cant see im falling apart and not because my mind is broken

someone broke it

stole it

they are guiding me, remote controlling

it

but no one cares

god damn i have told the truth

they label it paranoia.

if you were here you would know

if you were here you could see what they have done to me

but no one is here

no one wants to be here

and they say its all my fault.

in may

the skeleton sculptor asked me

did you know

you were

not their dna

not their born-of

you are not theirs and i couldnt speak i

stood

mouth open

hot fumes escaping through my teeth

but i felt nothing

i was more alone than ever, and i am reminded of this daily when i am told

you are not wanted here.

there are others that dont want me here

and i look at photos to make me smile but i find hidden meanings and i

sob and cant sleep

and i wonder when will they save me

when

and months go by and no one does

no one has time

they can’t see, they dont realize

and i am slowly dying

i am suffering

slowly.

i wouldn’t if i weren’t here

this house has become night of the living dead through my air vents

through my fridge and i dont sit outside

i dont know

who’s waiting.

the ones who are

aren’t the ones i want.

a hug could do so much

so much but as always, denied

unwanted

they are killing me, dad, i cry

7 years and ive been wasting away

doing my best but still wasting away

dear god i am told to pray and even he does not listen.

holidays birthdays weekends days months years

seconds minutes

alone

and i can not survive much longer

ive got a bet with myself

will i be the key to the door of my demise or should i wait

wait and let the shadows kill me

anything can hide in the dark

good and evil

the night shields both

and i wonder

which team will win the game?

Breaking the Silence

Freedom is much more than

walking down the street, breathing in fresh air and expelling internal poison,

feeling each step

moving forward, unchained.

I have been a prisoner of myself,

of others;

There was nothing left to do

but I could not do

nothing.

Labeled disabled,

it is something I dislike but must accept.

I believe there is no one quite like me.

I have to learn to

like

me.

The best of myself I gave to the rest:

the un-deserving,

the ones who slithered their way into my heart,

Gave me the apple and called it Love.

If this was Love, I was destined to be doomed.

flash-backing from the past

Now here I reside

and I’m alive

but inside it’s apparent my soul

has died.

I give advice better than I can take it,

and I took it;

I took it until I was bruised,

Forbidden fruit tossed aside once they got what they wanted out of me.

Why did I take it?

Can’t blame myself, can’t hate the fact that I was naive.

I knew better

but I didn’t know

any

better.

This was what I was used to, all that I knew-

All I had learned but I yearned for so much more.

Spoiled is not a word I’d use to describe

myself,

Gave so much until I had nothing left.

It took decades to discover

I am worth so much more.

then, as if directed by fate,

trauma immediately followed,

never giving me a chance to breathe in that freedom-

that peace of mind I was

owed-

yet never realized (until too late)

that it was always mine for the taking.

Seen mostly for beauty, they ignored my brain-

I was smarter than they’d assumed

but couldn’t gather the strength to break through,

Some days now worse than others,

my thoughts run wild as I lie stiff.

Struggle, daily struggle to pull myself out of the

comfort of the comforter

one left behind;

I should be using mine

but

its headaches can’t be tolerated-

even what’s mine still is not mine.

Angry that I can refuse its insignificant power

while before

I took so much more

than anyone should live through.

I survived it,

I can’t forget it.

And because of

it

Pain crushes every cell in my bones-

Emotionally

Physically

its toxicity runs through me.

A hell I can’t escape, there is no key for this door that locks me inside,

and my dreams hold the secrets of a life

un-lived.

In my shadow self I am so much more

than anyone ever bargained for;

I awe them all with everything.

everything

they told me I was too stupid to accomplish.

In my dreams

I am

free.

In my dreams,

I can do

anything.