Freedom is much more than

walking down the street, breathing in fresh air and expelling internal poison,

feeling each step

moving forward, unchained.

I have been a prisoner of myself,

of others;

There was nothing left to do

but I could not do

nothing.

Labeled disabled,

it is something I dislike but must accept.

I believe there is no one quite like me.

I have to learn to

like

me.

The best of myself I gave to the rest:

the un-deserving,

the ones who slithered their way into my heart,

Gave me the apple and called it Love.

If this was Love, I was destined to be doomed.

flash-backing from the past

Now here I reside

and I’m alive

but inside it’s apparent my soul

has died.

I give advice better than I can take it,

and I took it;

I took it until I was bruised,

Forbidden fruit tossed aside once they got what they wanted out of me.

Why did I take it?

Can’t blame myself, can’t hate the fact that I was naive.

I knew better

but I didn’t know

any

better.

This was what I was used to, all that I knew-

All I had learned but I yearned for so much more.

Spoiled is not a word I’d use to describe

myself,

Gave so much until I had nothing left.

It took decades to discover

I am worth so much more.

then, as if directed by fate,

trauma immediately followed,

never giving me a chance to breathe in that freedom-

that peace of mind I was

owed-

yet never realized (until too late)

that it was always mine for the taking.

Seen mostly for beauty, they ignored my brain-

I was smarter than they’d assumed

but couldn’t gather the strength to break through,

Some days now worse than others,

my thoughts run wild as I lie stiff.

Struggle, daily struggle to pull myself out of the

comfort of the comforter

one left behind;

I should be using mine

but

its headaches can’t be tolerated-

even what’s mine still is not mine.

Angry that I can refuse its insignificant power

while before

I took so much more

than anyone should live through.

I survived it,

I can’t forget it.

And because of

it

Pain crushes every cell in my bones-

Emotionally

Physically

its toxicity runs through me.

A hell I can’t escape, there is no key for this door that locks me inside,

and my dreams hold the secrets of a life

un-lived.

In my shadow self I am so much more

than anyone ever bargained for;

I awe them all with everything.

everything

they told me I was too stupid to accomplish.

In my dreams

I am

free.

In my dreams,

I can do

anything.

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