believing is not seeing
yesterday i ate for the first time in
a day and a half
sleep came amongst tears &
thoughts strewn about the floor i used to keep so clean.
when i get this way
(but this is me)
i begin to lose faith i begin to lose sight
(but that could be attributed to the grey spots that form inside my eyes)
but i still cling
cling like static that hasn’t found its escape into the world,
cling to ideals i hope aren’t false
because if i did not hold on to those wishes
if i did not give my everything to the love i hold for those i hold
i would have more than the nothing that i have and i feel.
the rain is almost comforting
it recognizes me
and it knows me.
i think others
they know me but they dont- they dont because they never took the
time to ask me
they never really got to the core to see i
have only good intentions
ive only ever had good intentions
my desire to be true and good is
by monsters who scheme to paint me in a different light.
if they painted a true portrait
i would be hung beside the
hung right beside
the portrait of dorian grey
a complex clusterfuck that only i can see
spotlights on my insides
they photoshop other organs to blind my innocence.
ive made mistakes but nothing mortal sin
ive made mistakes from which i have tried to repent but praying only goes so far
as the echoes of the walls that absorb my screams
so no one can hear them
because if others could hear them they might could feel my pain.
there is nothing i want more to feel the sun on my face in a world where i am
its kind of a paradox, a singular oxymoron only i can
i dont even “get” it
because i can’t seem to
almost to the point it makes me look
ridiculous to the asthetic
but fuck it i dont care what anyone else thinks about me
i only want those i love to know me
to know i am the real me
and to know i have done everything to show them i am
when i speak.
honesty is something i dont see in others now,
they dont see it in me and try to shut me up
because honesty is what i breathe.
if others did things
things against me which now are seen it isn’t
that i have to suffer
when i didn’t ask for their needs- i didn’t cover their needs
they stole from mine
they took advantage of a girl who has
and i am not crazy i tell them
i am not insane
i am surrounded by bloodthirsty demons who want to save
and carrying this weight is too much for my shoulders
too much because i did not gather these boulders but i
have no choice but to keep pushing uphill
if i dont
if i stop
then i stop being real.