a buck one-oh-two

i barely have balance to strap on this backpack i keep sewn to my

side

my side

i wish to god they knew how it felt to be on

my side.

they’re killing me, i cry

they’re killing me while you just stand by

shaking your head, tired of this

you say.

i

am also tired

of this.

mind is confused

memory is beaten, damaged, abused and

my brain isnt functioning like it used to.

and it used to

blow their minds.

now i wonder if ive blown mine.

when will they save me?

when will they get it?

forty-8 hours ago i lay collapsed

face down in the leaves of a yard i should feel safe inside

puking the poison

i know ive been poisoned

pun not intended,

not this time.

are you going to wait until its too late

i cant hold on much longer

any day now i shall succumb to hate or fate,

after all, it is getting close to winter

id made a secret promise to myself,

i wont see the winter if i have to see it here.

institutionalization is not what i need

but they cant see

that i cant breathe

they cant see im falling apart and not because my mind is broken

someone broke it

stole it

they are guiding me, remote controlling

it

but no one cares

god damn i have told the truth

they label it paranoia.

if you were here you would know

if you were here you could see what they have done to me

but no one is here

no one wants to be here

and they say its all my fault.

in may

the skeleton sculptor asked me

did you know

you were

not their dna

not their born-of

you are not theirs and i couldnt speak i

stood

mouth open

hot fumes escaping through my teeth

but i felt nothing

i was more alone than ever, and i am reminded of this daily when i am told

you are not wanted here.

there are others that dont want me here

and i look at photos to make me smile but i find hidden meanings and i

sob and cant sleep

and i wonder when will they save me

when

and months go by and no one does

no one has time

they can’t see, they dont realize

and i am slowly dying

i am suffering

slowly.

i wouldn’t if i weren’t here

this house has become night of the living dead through my air vents

through my fridge and i dont sit outside

i dont know

who’s waiting.

the ones who are

aren’t the ones i want.

a hug could do so much

so much but as always, denied

unwanted

they are killing me, dad, i cry

7 years and ive been wasting away

doing my best but still wasting away

dear god i am told to pray and even he does not listen.

holidays birthdays weekends days months years

seconds minutes

alone

and i can not survive much longer

ive got a bet with myself

will i be the key to the door of my demise or should i wait

wait and let the shadows kill me

anything can hide in the dark

good and evil

the night shields both

and i wonder

which team will win the game?

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